Monday, February 23, 2009

The Car Guys

So, the car guys are back again. They want a few more bucks, just to tide them over till the good times get rolling again.

I have a suggestion.

First, they should all declare bankruptcy—all three—but Chapter 11, not 7.

Second, under Chapter 11, they should “reorganize” the three into one car company. Call it, Americorps, or maybe, The Great American Car Company, Inc.

They should announce planned production of the following line of cars:

1.       A four-seater sedan, hybrid, capable of getting 75 miles per gallon.  Call it, say “scooter.” Zero to 60 in 12 seconds

2.       A mid-size conventional that gets 40 miles per gallon. The car would seat five in a pinch. It would come as a sedan, or a mini-SUV with an extra back seat enabling two more (little) passengers. It would be called the “pit bull”. Zero to sixty in 9 seconds.

3.       A full size vehicle seating five normal human beings. This one would get 30 miles per gallon. It would also come in an SUV style for people in love with trucks.  It would be called  the Maestro. Zero to 60 in 8 seconds.

4.       All vehicles produced by Americorps would employ all wheel drive as standard.

5.       A final vehicle would be produced as an off-road vehicle, meaning it could not be licensed for on-road travel—an Abrams M60 battle tank, sans guns. This one would get three gallons per mile, and would be intended for the Hummer market—the stupid people with more money than brains who buy Hummers, “just because they can.”

The CEO would be Don Rumsfeld—he after all ran both Defense and OEO in his lifetime career, so he knows something of both poverty programs, and harsh interrogation, so he would be perfect to run a large auto company—think of the possibilities if things weren’t going exactly to plan.  Board meetings and senior executive meetings would be videotaped and run on the Comedy Hour as a weekly show.

Is this a great country, or what?

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