Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Rapturous


So the r
So the rapture is coming soon to a universe near you.  You could be among  the first to be snatched away to your friendly neighborhood heaven. Just be sure you leave your home, bank account and car to me.
As I best understand it, this Saturday, the world gets divided into heaven and hell. One group of guys gets snatched off the earth to someplace else, and the rest get to remain behind to watch the greatest son et lumiere since time began. Wonder whether the Faux News Network will be around to capture it all on film for the nightly news hour?  Oh, no, I forgot, Rupert and his entire wrecking crew will be among the snatches, so they won’t be here to tell us about it all.
So, let’s see . . . the pope, Franklin Graham, Mike Dingleberry, the Newtster, obviously Sarah Barbie and her companion in crime Michelle Bachman, and all the people rendered stupid by religion will be zipped off to their respective new homes, and assigned harps. But we must remember all those martyrs—you know, Usama Bin Laden and his various buddies who managed to blow themselves up in crowded marketplaces. They will also be there, with their assigned 71 virgins each.  So, the tea party guys will all have to meet and greet with Usama and all the Islamist bozos. Hey, that would be fun to watch . . . and I guess Glenn Beck and Rush will be there to tell them all about it.
So, what does that leave? Well, all the rest of us will have to stay here to watch the show.  Now this presents an interesting scenario. Let’s see—the world is divided into heaven and hell. The pope, the republicans, the Faux News network, and all the Islamic martyrs go together in one direction. All the rest remain behind. It’s sort of an Ikea-like do-it-yourself heaven thing.  The question remaining in my mind is, “so which is heaven and which is hell?”
So, keep your smart phones handy, ready to text your buddies, as you get snatched . . . or not. I wonder . . . do they allow twittering in heaven?
And on another hellish planet, it is rumored that the current FCC Commissioner, Meredith Attwell Baker who voted to allow the Comcast takeover, and was rewarded with a big job at . . . Comcast, is pissed at the Rapture, since she hasn’t even had an opportunity to settle on the big house she was planning on buying as a result of her sellout.
re is coming soon to a universe near you.  You could be among the first to be snatched away to your friendly neighborhood heaven. Just be sure you leave your home, bank account and car to me before you go.

As I best understand it,  this Saturday, the world gets divided into heaven and hell. One group of guys gets snatched off the earth to someplace else, and the rest get to remain behind to watch the greatest son et lumiere since time began. Wonder whether the Faux News Network will be around to capture it all on film for the nightly news hour?  Oh, no, I forgot, Rupert and his entire wrecking crew will be among the snatchees, so they won’t be here to tell us about it all.
So, let’s see . . . the pope, Franklin Graham, Mike Dingleberry, the Newtster, obviously Sarah Barbie and her companion in crime Michelle Bachman, and all the people rendered stupid by religion will be zipped off to their respective new homes, and assigned harps. But we must remember all those martyrs—you know, Usama Bin Laden and his various buddies who managed to blow themselves up in crowded marketplaces. They will also be there, with their assigned 71 virgins each.  So, the tea party guys will all have to meet and greet with Usama and all the Islamist bozos. Hey, that would be fun to watch . . . and I guess Glenn Beck and Rush will be there to tell them all about it.
So, what does that leave? Well, all the rest of us will have to stay here to watch the show.  Now this presents an interesting scenario. Let’s see—the world is divided into heaven and hell. The pope, the republicans, the Faux News network, and all the Islamic martyrs go together in one direction. All the rest remain behind. It’s sort of an Ikea-like do-it-yourself heaven thing.  The question remaining in my mind is, “so which is heaven and which is hell?”
So, keep your smart phones handy, ready to text your buddies, as you get snatched . . . or not. I wonder . . . do they allow twittering in heaven?
And on another hellish planet, it is rumored that the current  FCC Commissioner, Meredith Attwell Baker who voted to allow the Comcast takeover, and was rewarded with a big job at . . . Comcast, is pissed at the Rapture, since she hasn’t even had an opportunity to settle on the big house she was planning on buying as a result of her sellout.
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