Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Overdrawn at the Integrity Bank

John McCain—Big Mac-- stands outside the First National Bank of Integrity & Honor. He admires its solid and graceful façade. He turns to his campaign manager Steve Schmidt.
Big Mac: “Love this bank. It really stands for something, and looks the part.”
Steve replies: “Yeah, I’ve often thought about trying to acquire an account here, but stuff keeps getting in the way.”
Big Mac: “Well Steve, they’re really fussy here. They only provide accounts for people of certain characteristics. You know, when I was a POW I made a sizable deposit here, thanks to my daddy and granddaddy.”
Big Mac caresses the gray marble, briefly and then walks briskly to the imposing brass and glass doors. He swings open the door and walks inside. It is quiet, almost hushed. A teller looks up, smiles at him and asks: “May I help you Senator?”
Big Mac: “Yes, my friend, you can help me. I need to make a sizeable withdrawal from my account, which is why I came in person.”
Teller: “Yes sir, just a moment while I check your account.”
Steve Schmidt: “This place is amazing. So quiet.”
Big Mac: “yeah, well the bank is all about integrity and honor, so a lot of blabbing is frowned upon.”
Teller returns: “I’m sorry sir, but there seems to be a problem with your account.”
Big Mac: “Problem? What’s the problem?”
Teller: “Well sir, it appears that you are overdrawn, and you have exceeded your overdraft line.”
Big Mac: “What? You’re obviously mistaken. My account is quite large. You know, I used to be a POW in Vietnam.”
Teller: “Yes sir, that’s where your account received most of its credits. But it seems you have been withdrawing steadily over the past twenty years and you are now officially tapped out.”
Big Mac: “Young lady, you are mistaken. I want to speak with one of your supervisors. Now!”
Teller turns to a nearby supervisor:"Sir?”
Supervisor: “Yes, how may I be helpful?”
Teller: “The Senator doesn’t seem to understand that his integrity account is now overdrawn. He wants to make additional withdrawals, but he has no remaining credits.”
Supervisor looks at the account statement: “Sir, I’m afraid the teller is correct. You have no more credits in your account and you are in fact overdrawn.”
Big Mac: “But how can that be? I’m a POW, you know.”
Supervisor; “well it seems you have been withdrawing steadily. That messy business when you left your wife and took up with that rich heiress created a sizable withdrawal.”
Big Mac: “But I married Cindy . . .”
Supervisor: “Doesn’t matter. You had an affair and then abandoned your disfigured wife at a really bad time for her. That was an expensive withdrawal of honor. Also, your role in that Keating scandal required another big withdrawal. And then there’s all these smaller withdrawals made in your name by your colleague Steve Schmidt. ”
Big Mac: “What? Steve, have you been withdrawing on my integrity account?”
Steve: “Well, you told me to do whatever was required to win. Win, you said, win at any cost.”
Supervisor: “Now see, that kind of talk creates ripples and each ripple causes a withdrawal.”
Big Mac: “Well if I have no credits left, how about a loan? I need to make some withdrawals with my running mate Gov. Palin.”
Supervisor: “A loan . . . oh no, I’m afraid a loan is out of the question Senator. We only make loans when we are certain to recover the debt. In your case, I’m afraid you simply don’t have the time left, plus you seem to insist on remaining active in a political life til the end. That more or less eliminates the possibility of repaying and almost guarantees more withdrawals. No, sir, I’m afraid your integrity account will need to be closed. We have standards you know. Sorry sir. Maybe in your next life.”
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