Life As An Old Man

What’s my first real memory? It was me at age 6, sitting alone on our front room floor, listening to the radio. And what was playing? Why it was FDR, telling us that the Japanese had just bombed Pearl Harbor. Yeah, Sunday, December 7, 1941, so I had not yet turned 7.  That would be in ten days. I wonder now, whether we went off to have dinner that Sunday with GM Schmidt and the Aunties as we did on most Sundays.  Likely not, but I do not actually remember anything beyond listening to that broadcast. Obviously, our world changed as of that moment.  For one thing, my uncle Bill went off to fight in the War. He joined the Seabees and was then stationed in the Pacific.  No one else in our family was in the War. Well, technically, I guess, my mom was, since she worked as a bookkeeper for Gibbs and Cox, a naval architecture firm located in Manhattan.

But I kept on with my usual daily activities, playing in the streets of Manhattan and attending school at PS 82, vaguely around the corner.  And then everything changed. So, instead of living in a depression, you know that 1930s thing, we now lived in Wartime.

But then it all got better  when that war thing ended, right?  Well, occasionally, I guess, but not really.  Hey, guess what, I’m 91 and we have rarely seemed at peace.  After WW II (and that followed WW I) we had Korea, Vietnam, Persian Gulf, Iraq, Afghanistan, and the list just goes on. Even, when we are not technically at war, we seem to be at war anyways.

Oh, and then President Stupidhead, singlehandedly decides to declare war on Iran, without technically declaring War. He can’t do that, but he did it anyway.  Just Cuz.

And we’re not alone in this war thing.  I mean, look at Russia. After they finished with Germany, I guess they decided that War was really not such a bad thing. Kept life exciting, I guess. And look at the Indians and the Pakistanis.  I mean, they became violent and threw out the Brits, but then they decided to start shooting at each other and that went on forever.

But really, everywhere you look, War seems to be the most common behavior.

So, did GOD implant wars and killing into the Human psyche?  Or maybe God’s design for/of humanity was simply so flawed that War was the inevitable outcome of humans being alive.  You know, if you want something and can’t negotiate peacefully, then buy guns and begin shooting people for whatever it is you want. Is that what we want our grandkids to know?  When in doubt kids, begin shooting.

So, now that I’m 91 you might think life was slowing down. You know, my beloved Carol passed on and so I should be looking/seeing peace right? Well, some dumb asses voted for one of the stupidest humans on the planet and that idiot seems to love War and shooting other people more than anyone else on Earth.  I mean, technically he declared War on Iran, without ever actually Declaring War, cuz he never asked anyone. He just did it. See, he is a total idiot-malenfant. BUT, American Humans actually voted for him, and still support him. So, War is and always will be just around the corner with the Trumpie. And I know, we find ourselves saying, “yeah, but his support is really falling”.  But what does that actually mean?  Well, it seems to mean that 60 or more million people still support him.  See, it ain’t 30 or 40 idiots around the corner. Nope, many millions of Americans still support and arguably would vote for him again if they could.  Now that is scary for what it says about this Land in which we all live. So, at the ripe old age of 91, my thoughts continue to return to a 6-year old, sitting on the floor, listening to a president tell him that we are now at War. Will it never stop? Hmmm, maybe we should elect a woman next time. AOC, are you ready Dear Heart? Kindly step in and show us what life could be like under the care (President) of a smart, ethical woman.  Now that thought just made me smile. Yeah, keep on thinking good thoughts Richard.

The Sky And You

 I look up at the sky this morning, and ask, “Are you there, My Love”? Sitting up on some cloud looking down at me and the rest of us trying to stumble our way through our various lives.  Well, No, I know you are not up there. No one is up there, not you, not Nana, not Daisy. Nope.  It’s just clouds and sky up there. And I know, whenever I look up and ask if you’re there, that I am speaking to my brain, ya know, your part of my brain.  You see, I also know that you won’t actually go away until I go away, cuz you are part of my brain. I wonder if that works if you have only been married a year or so.  Surely, after 50 years, our two brains became one.

I sort of wish that the fairy tales about God and Heaven were true. That is so much nicer a concept than that we simply disappear.  It is really too bad that folks just invented that entire concept. I know, I know, they invented it so they could control you. That part I get. But they also had a sweet imagination. The only thing is I never really understood the Heaven thing. I mean, we all go up there (well the good guys) but then what do we do? Just hang out?  I mean do the dudes play pool, or re-enact football? And what do babies do, ya know when a baby age 8 months croaks, what do they do up there?  I mean, they have no friends and can’t really talk.

But, back to you my Love. As you doubtless know, I still think you are next to me when I am watching TV, or driving, or even sleeping.  But that is my brain I know. Now, to be fair, I have never turned to one side and seen your visage. Nope, I do turn, but no one is there.  As it should be.  My brain is looking for you, while knowing you are not there.  Still, I do wish you were.  You should know that you continue to guide me. If ever there is a question, “Should I do this?” I think about what you would say. And you always push me to do the right thing, as you did when you were actually here, So, Brain-Carol, keep on truck’n. I continue to need you and need your guidance. You remain a wonder, as you always were. And I keep on asking myself, :How did I ever get so fortunate to have you as my loving wife?” You were a wonder then. You remain a wonder.

Is It Over

 OK, we held a grand Celebration of Life for Carol.  Many people, relatives and friends alike, spoke warmly of her many facets, including her beauty, but also her many accomplishments. And we buried her ashes near our pond in the back garden, a place she loved and helped to create.

And now we move on. But what does that mean . . . to “move on”?

Well, it means that my life is now different. It is not similar to that life I held while my Love was always near my side, advising me.  And, oddly, it is not the same as it was before my Love came into my life.  No, now I am physically alone in my home, but I remain psychically one of two people. I will be sitting watching TV, and I see something that bears comment, so I turn to my right to comment to my love, but, gasp, no one is there.  Or I will be sort of sleeping (I always now “sort of” sleep) and I will feel her next to me. But alas, I am actually feeling our cat next to me. He misses her as much as I do.  

But now I must begin a new life, new that is until I croak. Yeah, yeah. I am 91 and no one in my family made it beyond 85, so I am beyond my sell-by-date, or maybe long in the tooth.  But I have this little issue, that, for at least the next two years I have to put up with Trump, unless someone does us all a favor and pushes him off some cliff in, say, Denmark (they have cliffs in Denmark, right?). See, my first memory of a president is me at age 6, sitting in our front room listening all by myself to the radio, with that FDR dude being on the air telling us about December 7, 1941, ya know, Pearl Harbor. Yeah, so I first became aware of presidents with FDR.

And I have voted for quite a few – Carter, Kennedy, Johnson, Truman, Ike, and the list goes on. And Yes, I voted against Trump. Who wouldn’t?  But here he is, just cuz we have apparently so many idiots living and voting in America that we actually elected him twice.  Jesus people, once wasn’t enough?

And so, now, at the ripe old age of 91, just having lost my loved one of some 71 years, I am forced to watch this idiot-Malenfant rule America like he thinks it’s his kingdom.  America, For Christ Sake, will you ever actually awaken from this nightmare?  Well, maybe I will croak, like my beloved and cease thinking. I don’t know whether to hope for that, or not. I mean, I really want to be rid of this dimwitted idiot. But do I really have to die to be rid of him?  Well, maybe, depends on how far down that path to destruction America is now. Will America still be alive just before I croak? Or will our Nation be gone, destroyed into oblivion before that? How sad, in either case.

Forever

 Suppose everyone knew that nothing followed death. That is, when you die, you no longer are aware of anything, including the fact that you are dead. How would people then react to others and how would they live out their lives? Think of yourself as a thirteen year old who has come into this knowledge. Thirteen year olds are just beginning to come alive as adult humans. They are still kids, but have begun stepping into that wilderness called adulthood.

For one thing, they are at an early stage of deciding who they want to be when they grow up. Do I want to be a scientist, a teacher, a soldier, an engineer, or just a working dude with no special skills.  And then, they are also just beginning to look at girls differently. They may be attracted to girls, but not quite sure why.  And then, at some stage, they may begin to think about this business of life creation –yeah, making one of their own.

That’s kind of a standard process called growing up.  But mainly, as we “grow up” we have always had this vague feeling of forever. Yeah. I will grow up and do stuff and maybe reproduce, and then “move on”. But “move on” to what? Well, we never really give that much thought, do we?  The whole process of finding a lovely, hooking up, then cementing a relationship and maybe reproducing, is so complicated that we tend not to think much beyond that. Oh but then there’s organized religion. Yeah, even if you are not much of a faithful religious believer, we have all grown up with that mindset of “forever” that we kind of take it in our stride.  We will go on forever, one way or another.

But what would we do, if we came to realize – all of us – that there is no “forever” regarding us. NO, we may be lucky and forge a nice relationship with some sweety, and then reproduce someone who vaguely resembles us, but then it will all be over for US. Yeah, we will reach some life stage and then we will cease being. And worse yet, we will not know we have ceased being. Nope, it will be one day we are here, and the next we are no longer here, and we do not know we are no longer here.  How would that certain knowledge affect how we grow up, and how we interact with others. More, how might that certainty affect how we decide to do anything?  Suppose you knew for certain that you would reach some age and then cease to exist, AND you would never know you had ceased to exist. Would you still want to go on doing stuff?

The answer to that question might be, SURE, Of Course I would want to go on. But it might as easily be, Hmmm, No, I think not. What would be the point to that?  And if that were the case, then what would happen to civilizations? How much of what we decide, and what we do is dependent on a belief that we will be around in some ethereal form, like watching from above, to see and know what happens after we leave this earth?

It is at least an interesting question. Does all life depend on a belief that Life continues after death?  Hmmm, I wonder.

So, It’s Over?

I am dumbstruck looking at pictures of our globe. The pictures of France and Spain are quite enough to terrify anyone watching. But sitting here in Concord, North Carolina, with some moderate weather expected, one is tempted to sigh and then go on to the next Facebook picture. But then I observe a picture of our entire globe and see red indicating fires in almost every corner.  And the fires seem so fierce that hundreds of professional firefighters equipped with their modern trucks and planes, throwing water everywhere, seem completely incapable of even slowing down the fires. And then President Stupidhead, instead of gathering our resources to assist in at least reducing the fire damage, spends his precious time yelling at people, and throwing tariffs. Imagine, our Canadian neighbors are experiencing massive fires right on our border, and, instead of helping them, our dumbass president is throwing tariffs at them, and yelling at them for messing up our air quality.  And I note that our Pacific Northwest has begun seeing some of these fires. But again, he is doing nothing,

So, now, I begin to wonder, Are we at the end of an Earthly existence? If there is a God, is she walking away laughing at our idiocy? How, I wonder, do we compare with some of her creations on a planet in some other galaxy?  Because we seem to have brought on these firestorms. They are not accidental, but rather human-induced.  All of the varied money-sets who have for decades ignored the climate effects of our investment patterns, are now watching and doubtless blaming everyone but themselves.

So, maybe life is really ending on Earth. And Trump can finally cease his idiotic and illegal war against Iran. But to be fair, there is nowhere for Trump to go either. He cannot escape to a nearby galaxy, because we do not know how to do that. No, instead, he and his BFF Elon will have to sit in their air conditioned palaces as the walls of doom begin gathering about them. He doesn’t even drink wine, so he will not be able to pour a nice glass of Cabernet and toast Elon, by saying, “Well, friend, at least no one else will be able to survive this either. So here’s to us buddy”.

And then slowly, painfully, it will all end, and our little God will also disappear, because, after all, we invented her.

The End May Be Near

I was listening to a newscast yesterday and they began reporting on the weather in Europe, and, more specifically, France. They reported on extreme heat, extensive fires, and serious water issues in Paris. It sounded like France was collapsing. And I began thinking, maybe life is nearing its end. Perhaps we are at the end of a civilized life on Earth. We seem to be dealing now with extremes. Either some area is burning down, or the rains are flooding a different region. It’s as though there are no normals any longer.  And the people in charge seem not to want to discuss this thing called weather. And that may be because they would then be drawn into a discussion of all the man-made interventions that individually have now added up to a disaster. We won’t do anything about emissions control, so our emissions of stuff like carbon dioxide have continued to change the natural course of the weather. It all seems so unlikely, but now the full reality of our lack of interest in sensible controls over our own actions has begun taking root in drastically modifying our environment and, specifically, our climate.

The question in my mind now is, can we still modify our actions so as to return to “normal” patterns of climate, or is it too late? I fear the latter has taken hold.  Partly my conclusion here is governed by what I observe in our current government. Trump seems to have eliminated our entire health system of expertise—FDA, CDC, NIH, et all—so that we will no longer have any internal controls over disastrous public policies affecting the environment.  So now, he is guided by the idiots in his administration –so many idiots, so little time.

And whatever the level of yelling at Trump, he seems capable of ignoring all commentary from opposition forces.  I keep seeing postings about how someone is filing something that may cause him to be stopped, but then he just keeps on truck’n,

Now, I know that my gloomy mental state is partly due to my loving wife’s departure from this Earth. Yes, that has left me with a doomy view of our world. But, partly, Donald Trump keeps on acting stupidly and his political party has apparently given up on any kind of thinking that might affect his actions.  Might the rest of the world begin swerving away and leave America to its own rush to climate disaster? That is possible, since we really do seem to be the dumbest kids on the block.  But that picture I painted initially of France and its disastrous weather, raises serious questions in my mind. Have we already proceeded too far towards a climate disaster?  And my response? Maybe, and we still have a couple of years of the Donald pushing us in the direction of total Climate collapse and the end of Life on Earth. Fun, Huh?

Dying

 That Dying Thing

We sat there by her bedside, watching over her, with Erika doing the actual checking and administering pain meds as needed. We spoke with her and listened carefully to see if we could detect her voice trying to speak.  Then finally, she stopped breathing. Her brain gave out and she was gone. No more pain, but also no more life. And Carol was gone. Yes we use this term to imply a voyage of some kind. But in reality her voyage simply ceased.  Her brain ceased to function and that signals the end of life.

And then I sat there looking at her, or rather looking at what used to be Carol.  Because Carol, the longtime Love of My life, had just ceased to operate.  And I continued to function, thinking of her. I might speak with her, but she would no longer respond, because her brain had ceased to function.  And now, I was actually alone.  She is in my brain still, but she is all part with me. My brain is now Carol’s.

And now, weeks later, I still sense her presence. I will be sitting watching television, and I turn to her next to me to ask her something. But next to me is now empty.  Well, Midnight our cat might be next to me, but he does not speak in a language I comprehend.  And I go to sleep at night in our bed, still in my accustomed place on our bed. And then, in the middle of the night, I awaken slightly because I think I feel her moving next to me. But No, it is again Midnight.

And then I vaguely awaken. It is 5 o’clock, still too early, but my brain has begun to function, even if only half functioning.  But my awakening has begun.  And then I decide to awaken and arise. Now my brain begins to function.  But then, for the rest of the day, I will function with her at my side.  And I have begun to think of this phase as some early dying stage. I am still functional, but something is missing. Maybe the dying has begun. But how long will this last . . . until I actually die in X days/months/years? Maybe. Perhaps this is life AFTER losing the single most important thing in your LIFE. Odd  . . . very odd.