Being 91

 OK, So I’m still 91 and kick’n. But why? Why am I still “kick’n”? I know, I know, I am not supposed to ask such questions. But still, with more frequency, I keep wondering, Why Am I Here?

But then, why are any of us still here? Life seems endlessly filled with tales of horror, mixed in with all that great fun, and those wonderful cocktails and dinners with loved ones.  

But my Aware life began when I was about 6, sitting in our front room on the floor, listening to the radio by myself. Oh and it happened to be around that December 7^th thing –you know, 1941, and some dude named Roosevelt was yakking to us about bombs and things being thrown at us in some far off place called Pearl Harbor.   Before that, all I had heard was Jack Benny and dudes like him trying to entertain us 6-year olds.  But that event seemed to spark humans all over the world. That War thing continued with lots of folks being killed all around our sorry-assed globe. But, that War also seemed to  (for little me) spell the beginning of Humanity’s Kill-Me Psyche. From then on, humans seemed to get off on the killing machines.  WW II, Korea, Vietnam, various Middle Eastern kills, the killing never really stopped, although it periodically slowed down.  Now we have The Russkies killing Ukrainians, Trump killing Iranians, Bibi killing whoever crosses his path in Israeli territories, annoyed Frenchmen screaming at their government, Sudanese blowing things up. And on and on.

And we are supposed to believe that Humans were invented by a peaceful and loving God(dess?). The unending killing machines being operated non-stop by Humans makes me wonder why anyone would believe that we are here for some loving and kindly purpose. We are supposed to worship and love this God that invented all of us killing machines?  Humans are killing little children, practically as we speak. Why?  Are Humans really this flawed and uncaring? Or are Humans simply uncaring, killing machines who believe it’s ok to gun down your neighbor, or your neighbors’ kids in some school.

Honestly, at this tender age of 91, I no longer understand what to believe.  I know, I know, I have loving relatives , kids, grands, even great grands who never even think of killing anyone. And my still weekly Thursday datenites at Steve’s lovely Brewery still provides me with the caring attention of our friends, and the caring staff at the Brewery. My good friends who appear every Thursday help to make my life a continued joy.   And seeing kids and grands laughing and giving me hugs still fills me with joy.

It is all a lot more difficult without the love of my life – my beloved Carol (71 years together) sharing the daily joys. But the joys remain.  I just wish we could get rid of all the killing machines, and play chess with one another instead of trying to shoot each other.

Yeah, as my long life begins to close out, I may not know how folks will dwell on it.  But, folks, please try and figure out some way to keep the laughs, the smiles from kids, the Cheers when we toast one another with a beer or glass of wine.  Maybe we should throw away our TVs and focus on one another nearby. Be nice to your neighbor. Don’t frown on that poor dude sitting by the side of the street cuz he has no home. Maybe give him something to help him live another day.

And the Trumpies??? Well, we need to get rid of them in a civilized manner. Yeah, don’t shoot them. Instead, vote them out big time.  It’s up to us to try to bring back civilized behavior folks. It is technically possible to be civil to one another, even if we disagree with one another.  Be nice to one another, even if it seems difficult. You don’t have to love everyone. But be civil to one another. Try. Otherwise, that AI thingie really will rid the Earth of everyone. And we do not want that. So cheers, folks, Have a nice glass of beer, or a fine wine, and smile.

Reality

What a lovely day. In the 70’s, dry, bright blue sky. Oh if only . . .  and I walk outside and sit in my lovely rocker on our porch.  And I am staring at a tree across the street. It is an old oak  tree. Its leaves are still a lovely green color, as Fall has not yet set in here.  And a bird chirps out, oh another one. They are enjoying the day also.

And I look out across the street and there is a house. It interferes with the surrounding loveliness, staring at me. And yet another one next to it.  They almost growl at me, as the birds chirp their songs, and the lovely trees sit there enchanting me.  And, as I gaze out, I begin to wonder . . . why are they here? Hmmm

And then a butterfly crosses my vision as it seeks to gain some food from the flowers in the nearby bushes.  And I wonder, do they know I am here watching them? Do they care?  And why do I care?  In some not very distant time horizon, I will no longer be sitting here. No I will join my loving wife who passed away last May. And will I then see her again? Well, No, that isn’t how it works. Cuz see, it does work in specific ways. Yeah, the trees will slowly turn a different color, and then their leaves will drift off into the netherland. And that butterfly will soon lose its liveliness and simply droop into neverland.

And that is called life.  Isn’t that strange? Things simply appear, dazzle the eyes of the watchful and then simply disappear. And we humans sit around and watch it all happen. Well, some of us watch it happen. Others are too busy on their phones trying to make themselves rich, or someone else poor.  It’s sort of like the trees changing color and then their leaves disappearing. Humans appear and disappear in the same way. And some are lovely creatures, and some are ugly of mind and body. But they continue to exist, as does everything on this globe. And why do all these things and creatures exist? No one knows. It is the great mystery called life. It arrives, hangs around for a while, some to dazzle and others to disappoint, and then it/they disappear. And no one knows why.  All kinds of explanations, but none make any sense. Why are we all here? Just CUZ.

But some of us pay attention and at least enjoy the dazzle for a brief term, even if we never have a clue why. Maybe that is the point. Perhaps there is no why. It’s all just some temporary fun for the butterflies and the humans.  So, we need to take a deep breath and enjoy it for our brief term here.

Oh. But then, in the midst of all this charming uncertainty, some dude invented something he called AI, or Artificial Intelligence. Hmm, what the hell is that?  What it is a system of something called electronics, only that system is intended to emulate the human brain, nay exceed the capacity of the human brain. Yeah, electronics that can outthink all the humans. Sounds great huh? Except  why is it needed? Becaude humans are deeply flawed critters who often don’t think? Yeah, that’s why. So, maybe these electronic AI dudes can make up for the deficiencies of humans and improve the lives of all humans. Yeah, that must be it. Hmmm does that seem too good to be true? Yep, Why? Cuz it is. Really, the reason this AI thing was created was because humans are so flawed.  Someone, or really some set of somebodies, decided that maybe humans could be replaced by these AI Dudes who have no flaws.

Hmmm

Wait a moment. If the AI dudes replace all the flawed humans, might they not replace ALL the Humans eventually, flawed or not?  Turns out, That’s The Plan. The inventors see a day when no humans will be needed to do any work. So, Humans will be unnecessary.  And “Life” on Earth will be All Pseudohuman AI Thingies.  And since humans will no longer be needed, the AI dudes would be expected to someone rid the Earth of these unnecessary creatures called Humans.

Scared yet? No? Well you should be, cuz that’s the plan. Yeah, you will no longer be able to sit in a cute rocking chair and listen to the birds and gaze out at the lovely oak trees, or the sweet butterflies. Nope, you will somehow be disappeared by the AI Robots. And I am sure they will be kind to you as they make you disappear.  Yeah, apparently that’s the plan. So, by by Humans. Now the AI robots will have to decide what to do with the butterflies. And do they really need those oak trees?? By by LIFE on EARTH.

Aging

 As I continue to age, I also continue to wonder just what my life is all about. Indeed, I even wonder what Life itself is all about.  I am now at an age at which none of my family achieved or exceeded this age.  I sit outside and observe the trees and the sky and ask, WHY?  Occasionally, I am near one of my several great grandkids. And I look at them, and ask, so why are you here and what can this world expect of you?

But why should this world expect anything from them, or indeed, why would the world even be aware of them?  Yes, I know, we have humans who the world knows and asks questions of them. Our elected government for example. Yes, we have this dude called Donald Trump. He will soon die, but he might actually destroy much of what is left of this Earth. Or he might just go to bed one night and then fail to awaken the next morning. He is also at that age,

But why are we all here? And yes, I understand that, once you are here, it is better if you show kindness to other humans, and also that not all humans do. I mean, we have Adolph Hitler, and Bibi Netanyahu, and Donald Trump. But we also had FDR, and JFK and so many women who act as angels.  But does it matter that we have women who act as angels towards the little ones they produce? Well, yes it does matter. Why? Well, because living in a world without angelic women is much less pleasant than it might be.

I mean, everyone wakes up in the morning, and opens his eyes. That’s true for almost everyone who isn’t blind. But then, the day treats every individual differently, and that treatment mostly depends on the humans around them.

But however each human is treated determines how they view LIFE. Whether they spend part of that time looking at a butterfly scampering on a hibiscus flower, and then smiling, or they wonder whether they will get any food that day matters a lot.  I rather imagine that the little ones who may or may not get any food that day think of life and this world very differently from the little ones who are smiling at butterflies and awaiting a call from their angelic human parent calling them to breakfast.

In both cases, perhaps, when those littles ones age and are now 80, or 90 (or 100?) they may well look out the window and ask, “well what has this Life thing all been about”? Cuz the answer to that question is not obvious.  Is Life about looking at the sky and smiling at its color?  And what do folks think about when they ask, “Why am I here”? Does it matter whether they were raised by angels or by devils? Does it matter whether they ever seek to answer that question about Life – why are we all here?

LIFE . . . this is a very odd condition. I mean, some of us are termites, and when I step on a termite, what happens? Does that creature “stop thinking”? Was it thinking before I stepped on it. Or what about that squirrel wandering up my tree? Does he ask questions about his life, like “Why am I here?” And if he does, is there a squirrel up there somewhere overseeing his daily activities? No? You mean, squirrels, or termites don’t have overseers up there in the sky somewhere?  No?? How come?

Oh well, I guess, tonite, I will simple pour myself a nice glass of wine, and stop thinking, as I turn on the TV, which is my way of stopping thinking. Yeah. And then I will go back to my nice glass of wine and stop asking stupid questions (well maybe they’re not stupid, but, since there are never any answers, they are the equivalent).

So, Nite Nite folks.  Think on . . . or Not. You're Human. You don't actually have to think.

Life As An Old Man

What’s my first real memory? It was me at age 6, sitting alone on our front room floor, listening to the radio. And what was playing? Why it was FDR, telling us that the Japanese had just bombed Pearl Harbor. Yeah, Sunday, December 7, 1941, so I had not yet turned 7.  That would be in ten days. I wonder now, whether we went off to have dinner that Sunday with GM Schmidt and the Aunties as we did on most Sundays.  Likely not, but I do not actually remember anything beyond listening to that broadcast. Obviously, our world changed as of that moment.  For one thing, my uncle Bill went off to fight in the War. He joined the Seabees and was then stationed in the Pacific.  No one else in our family was in the War. Well, technically, I guess, my mom was, since she worked as a bookkeeper for Gibbs and Cox, a naval architecture firm located in Manhattan.

But I kept on with my usual daily activities, playing in the streets of Manhattan and attending school at PS 82, vaguely around the corner.  And then everything changed. So, instead of living in a depression, you know that 1930s thing, we now lived in Wartime.

But then it all got better  when that war thing ended, right?  Well, occasionally, I guess, but not really.  Hey, guess what, I’m 91 and we have rarely seemed at peace.  After WW II (and that followed WW I) we had Korea, Vietnam, Persian Gulf, Iraq, Afghanistan, and the list just goes on. Even, when we are not technically at war, we seem to be at war anyways.

Oh, and then President Stupidhead, singlehandedly decides to declare war on Iran, without technically declaring War. He can’t do that, but he did it anyway.  Just Cuz.

And we’re not alone in this war thing.  I mean, look at Russia. After they finished with Germany, I guess they decided that War was really not such a bad thing. Kept life exciting, I guess. And look at the Indians and the Pakistanis.  I mean, they became violent and threw out the Brits, but then they decided to start shooting at each other and that went on forever.

But really, everywhere you look, War seems to be the most common behavior.

So, did GOD implant wars and killing into the Human psyche?  Or maybe God’s design for/of humanity was simply so flawed that War was the inevitable outcome of humans being alive.  You know, if you want something and can’t negotiate peacefully, then buy guns and begin shooting people for whatever it is you want. Is that what we want our grandkids to know?  When in doubt kids, begin shooting.

So, now that I’m 91 you might think life was slowing down. You know, my beloved Carol passed on and so I should be looking/seeing peace right? Well, some dumb asses voted for one of the stupidest humans on the planet and that idiot seems to love War and shooting other people more than anyone else on Earth.  I mean, technically he declared War on Iran, without ever actually Declaring War, cuz he never asked anyone. He just did it. See, he is a total idiot-malenfant. BUT, American Humans actually voted for him, and still support him. So, War is and always will be just around the corner with the Trumpie. And I know, we find ourselves saying, “yeah, but his support is really falling”.  But what does that actually mean?  Well, it seems to mean that 60 or more million people still support him.  See, it ain’t 30 or 40 idiots around the corner. Nope, many millions of Americans still support and arguably would vote for him again if they could.  Now that is scary for what it says about this Land in which we all live. So, at the ripe old age of 91, my thoughts continue to return to a 6-year old, sitting on the floor, listening to a president tell him that we are now at War. Will it never stop? Hmmm, maybe we should elect a woman next time. AOC, are you ready Dear Heart? Kindly step in and show us what life could be like under the care (President) of a smart, ethical woman.  Now that thought just made me smile. Yeah, keep on thinking good thoughts Richard.

The Sky And You

 I look up at the sky this morning, and ask, “Are you there, My Love”? Sitting up on some cloud looking down at me and the rest of us trying to stumble our way through our various lives.  Well, No, I know you are not up there. No one is up there, not you, not Nana, not Daisy. Nope.  It’s just clouds and sky up there. And I know, whenever I look up and ask if you’re there, that I am speaking to my brain, ya know, your part of my brain.  You see, I also know that you won’t actually go away until I go away, cuz you are part of my brain. I wonder if that works if you have only been married a year or so.  Surely, after 50 years, our two brains became one.

I sort of wish that the fairy tales about God and Heaven were true. That is so much nicer a concept than that we simply disappear.  It is really too bad that folks just invented that entire concept. I know, I know, they invented it so they could control you. That part I get. But they also had a sweet imagination. The only thing is I never really understood the Heaven thing. I mean, we all go up there (well the good guys) but then what do we do? Just hang out?  I mean do the dudes play pool, or re-enact football? And what do babies do, ya know when a baby age 8 months croaks, what do they do up there?  I mean, they have no friends and can’t really talk.

But, back to you my Love. As you doubtless know, I still think you are next to me when I am watching TV, or driving, or even sleeping.  But that is my brain I know. Now, to be fair, I have never turned to one side and seen your visage. Nope, I do turn, but no one is there.  As it should be.  My brain is looking for you, while knowing you are not there.  Still, I do wish you were.  You should know that you continue to guide me. If ever there is a question, “Should I do this?” I think about what you would say. And you always push me to do the right thing, as you did when you were actually here, So, Brain-Carol, keep on truck’n. I continue to need you and need your guidance. You remain a wonder, as you always were. And I keep on asking myself, :How did I ever get so fortunate to have you as my loving wife?” You were a wonder then. You remain a wonder.

Is It Over

 OK, we held a grand Celebration of Life for Carol.  Many people, relatives and friends alike, spoke warmly of her many facets, including her beauty, but also her many accomplishments. And we buried her ashes near our pond in the back garden, a place she loved and helped to create.

And now we move on. But what does that mean . . . to “move on”?

Well, it means that my life is now different. It is not similar to that life I held while my Love was always near my side, advising me.  And, oddly, it is not the same as it was before my Love came into my life.  No, now I am physically alone in my home, but I remain psychically one of two people. I will be sitting watching TV, and I see something that bears comment, so I turn to my right to comment to my love, but, gasp, no one is there.  Or I will be sort of sleeping (I always now “sort of” sleep) and I will feel her next to me. But alas, I am actually feeling our cat next to me. He misses her as much as I do.  

But now I must begin a new life, new that is until I croak. Yeah, yeah. I am 91 and no one in my family made it beyond 85, so I am beyond my sell-by-date, or maybe long in the tooth.  But I have this little issue, that, for at least the next two years I have to put up with Trump, unless someone does us all a favor and pushes him off some cliff in, say, Denmark (they have cliffs in Denmark, right?). See, my first memory of a president is me at age 6, sitting in our front room listening all by myself to the radio, with that FDR dude being on the air telling us about December 7, 1941, ya know, Pearl Harbor. Yeah, so I first became aware of presidents with FDR.

And I have voted for quite a few – Carter, Kennedy, Johnson, Truman, Ike, and the list goes on. And Yes, I voted against Trump. Who wouldn’t?  But here he is, just cuz we have apparently so many idiots living and voting in America that we actually elected him twice.  Jesus people, once wasn’t enough?

And so, now, at the ripe old age of 91, just having lost my loved one of some 71 years, I am forced to watch this idiot-Malenfant rule America like he thinks it’s his kingdom.  America, For Christ Sake, will you ever actually awaken from this nightmare?  Well, maybe I will croak, like my beloved and cease thinking. I don’t know whether to hope for that, or not. I mean, I really want to be rid of this dimwitted idiot. But do I really have to die to be rid of him?  Well, maybe, depends on how far down that path to destruction America is now. Will America still be alive just before I croak? Or will our Nation be gone, destroyed into oblivion before that? How sad, in either case.

Forever

 Suppose everyone knew that nothing followed death. That is, when you die, you no longer are aware of anything, including the fact that you are dead. How would people then react to others and how would they live out their lives? Think of yourself as a thirteen year old who has come into this knowledge. Thirteen year olds are just beginning to come alive as adult humans. They are still kids, but have begun stepping into that wilderness called adulthood.

For one thing, they are at an early stage of deciding who they want to be when they grow up. Do I want to be a scientist, a teacher, a soldier, an engineer, or just a working dude with no special skills.  And then, they are also just beginning to look at girls differently. They may be attracted to girls, but not quite sure why.  And then, at some stage, they may begin to think about this business of life creation –yeah, making one of their own.

That’s kind of a standard process called growing up.  But mainly, as we “grow up” we have always had this vague feeling of forever. Yeah. I will grow up and do stuff and maybe reproduce, and then “move on”. But “move on” to what? Well, we never really give that much thought, do we?  The whole process of finding a lovely, hooking up, then cementing a relationship and maybe reproducing, is so complicated that we tend not to think much beyond that. Oh but then there’s organized religion. Yeah, even if you are not much of a faithful religious believer, we have all grown up with that mindset of “forever” that we kind of take it in our stride.  We will go on forever, one way or another.

But what would we do, if we came to realize – all of us – that there is no “forever” regarding us. NO, we may be lucky and forge a nice relationship with some sweety, and then reproduce someone who vaguely resembles us, but then it will all be over for US. Yeah, we will reach some life stage and then we will cease being. And worse yet, we will not know we have ceased being. Nope, it will be one day we are here, and the next we are no longer here, and we do not know we are no longer here.  How would that certain knowledge affect how we grow up, and how we interact with others. More, how might that certainty affect how we decide to do anything?  Suppose you knew for certain that you would reach some age and then cease to exist, AND you would never know you had ceased to exist. Would you still want to go on doing stuff?

The answer to that question might be, SURE, Of Course I would want to go on. But it might as easily be, Hmmm, No, I think not. What would be the point to that?  And if that were the case, then what would happen to civilizations? How much of what we decide, and what we do is dependent on a belief that we will be around in some ethereal form, like watching from above, to see and know what happens after we leave this earth?

It is at least an interesting question. Does all life depend on a belief that Life continues after death?  Hmmm, I wonder.