Thursday, January 1, 2009

Welcome to the Brave New World

Happy New Year All!!!
As George W. Bush, Dickie-Bird Cheney, and Condoleeza slink off to their respective spider-holes located in strategic locations around the nation, let us all wish them farewell on their journeys.
They have precious little time left to do any more damage, so we should all begin focusing on ways to make the New World a better place than they left it.
1. To North Carolinians, how about resolving to begin using turn signals--you know, the little thingie hanging off your steering wheel that allows you to indicate an intent to turn one way or the other. It would be nice.
2. To Illinoisans, how about figuring out a way to stuff a sock into your Governor's mouth? Again, nice.
3. To Congresspersons of either stripe, how about thinking before you open your respective mouths? It would be new for you, I know, but at least consider it.
4. Specifically to Nancy Pelosi, who took impeachment off the table, without considering the effects that might have on future imperial presidents, how about turning over your job to the official House doorman, who at least knows what he is doing?
5. To the incoming President Obama, consider my suggestion to transfer all Bush embedded politicos, now careerists, to a new office in Northern Alaska, intended to watch over Alaskan blue ice. They needn't do anything; just watch over it. They need something they can't really screw-up.
6. To the Religious Right, who especially hate Gays and Lesbians, how about this year featuring the Golden Rule on every occasion you threaten to open your mouths and say anything? Oh, and it isn't Gay weddings that threaten the sanctity of marriage, it's heterosexual weddings . . . half of which end in divorce. Think about it people.
7. To Stewart and Colbert, I know you won't have Shrub to kick around any longer, but think Fox News. They're much funnier than Shrub, and not half as threatening.
8. To Paris Hilton, go get a real job. I know you have no talent, but maybe a receptionist at Bernie Madoff enterprises?
9. To the American Newspaper Industry, try and survive. We need you to give us a daily chuckle.
10. To all my friends and family members, remember, I don't make the news, I only report my reactions to it. So, put a smiley face on when you read my grumbling, non-sequiturious ramblings.
And mostly, have a Happy 2009.
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