Friday, September 30, 2011

In Celebration of Chutzpah

Chutzpah: Leo Rosten in The Joys of Yiddish defines chutzpah as "gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, incredible 'guts,' presumption plus arrogance such as no other word and no other language can do justice to." In this sense, chutzpah expresses both strong disapproval and a grudging admiration. In the same work, Rosten also defined the term as "that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan."

So, that's you Brian, Mr. too-big-to-fail Bank of America. Five bucks a month for a debit card? You little shit!

So, Bryan baby, I suppose this $5 per month fee is your way of saying thanks to the American people for saving your ass?? I’m not sure I quite get your message. I assume it’s something like,

Well people, the government keeps strangling us with regulations and now we can’t even charge companies fees for these damned debit cards. We’re losing so much money here that I personally will not be able to afford the fourth home I purchased in the Bahamas.  And don’t even mention my sailboat.  So look people, I understand your pain, with no job and all that crap. I get it. Really, I do.  But, you have to be reasonable. Unless I charge you the five bucks per month, I just won’t be able to support the Hummer I was going to buy my kid. So, take it or leave it people. I need the dough. Oh, and speaking of dough, if you’re having trouble scraping up the dough to buy bread (hahaha, get it . . . dough . . . bread??) I suggest a nice cake instead.”
So, here’s my suggestion to you Brian, baby. I think the government should take away your gambling license.  See, instead of you taking all of our money and pissing it away on gambling, something you’re obviously not very good at by the way, we think you should go back into the banking business. What’s that? Well, it’s something like this. See, people take their cash and place it in your care. You charge them a small fee for handling it, and then, if they leave it with you long enough, you invest it in actual loans—you know, like when people want to buy a car or a house, or maybe start a small business?? Remember those kinds of loans?  And you also provide people with a thing called a checking account and you can charge them another small fee for that.
But that’s it Brian. You can’t do anything else. Oh, and one more thing, Brian. We’re not going to let you operate in more than one state—so pick your state carefully. Yeah, no more global banking shit. That’s for smart people, not people like you Brian.
So, that’s all for now Brian. Oh, and one more thing. If you ever stray off the reservation again, we’re going to put handcuffs around your wrists and place you in a small jail cell for a really long time.
Ta ta Brian. Have a nice weekend.
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