April 1, 2013
Mr. Reince Priebus, CEO of what used to be known as the Republican Party told reporters today that, since the demise of that Grand Old Party, he has been hitting the Help Wanted pages of the Wall Street Journal hard. And he now wishes to announce that he has found a new position—starting today, he will take over the helm of a newly formed political party, henceforth named the Crunchy Granola Party. Crunchy will work hard to reinvigorate debate about America’s values. Reince will be joined in this grand undertaking by Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. Reporters expressed some skepticism about this venture, especially with the addition of Mr. Beck and Ms. Palin. But Reince sought to quiet their fears.
He announced that Mr. Beck has resolved his anger issues, ever since he began growing and consuming high quality marijuana about six months ago. “His brownies are to die for”, said Mr. Priebus. “And as for Ms. Palin”, he said, “She has put up all her guns for adoption by good families, and has formed a petting zoo in her home town, Wasilla.” She had decided to retire, but apparently couldn’t resist joining this new initiative.
The Crunchy Granola Party has embarked on a redefinition of the values that made America great. Their platform includes:
1. Complete support of Gay Marriage. “Gays and Lesbians are the only creative beings on this planet and we desperately need some creativity in this country”, said Mr. Priebus.
2. Legalization of marijuana, LSD, and a host of other mind-altering drugs. “We expect Phillip Morris to jump all over this baby,” he said.
3. Support for a new science venture—“We intend to build a Motel 6 on Mars within ten years,” he announced, with great pride.
4. Full legalization of the status of all immigrants currently residing in this country. “What the hell, they’re the only ones doing any work in this country.”
5. “And finally,” he said, “we intend to solve this Middle East crap once and for all. We intend to sell Florida and Mississippi to the highest bidders from among a highly select group, i.e., Israel and Palestine. They can each flip a coin to see who gets which spot. Neither place is being used for anything productive anyway”, he said.
Mr. Priebus took no questions after his grand announcement. He referred all questions to his new PR spokesman, Mr. Herman Cain. Thaaaaat’s all folks . . .
And on that other exoplanet, Justice Scaliathomas announced that (t)he(y) would be recusing himself from this latest flap about Gay marriage. “We decided that the whole thing is just too stupid to waste any more time on. We’re headed to Disneyland . . .”