So, that's you Brian, Mr. too-big-to-fail Bank of America. Five bucks a month for a debit card? You little shit!
So, Bryan baby, I suppose this $5 per month fee is your way of saying thanks to the American people for saving your ass?? I’m not sure I quite get your message. I assume it’s something like,
“Well people, the government keeps strangling us with
regulations and now we can’t even charge companies fees for these damned debit
cards. We’re losing so much money here that I personally will not be able to
afford the fourth home I purchased in the Bahamas. And don’t even mention my sailboat. So look people, I understand your pain, with
no job and all that crap. I get it. Really, I do. But, you have to be reasonable. Unless I
charge you the five bucks per month, I just won’t be able to support the Hummer
I was going to buy my kid. So, take it or leave it people. I need the dough.
Oh, and speaking of dough, if you’re having trouble scraping up the dough to
buy bread (hahaha, get it . . . dough . . . bread??) I suggest a nice cake
instead.”
So, here’s my suggestion to you Brian, baby. I think the
government should take away your gambling license. See, instead of you taking all of our money
and pissing it away on gambling, something you’re obviously not very good at by
the way, we think you should go back into the banking business. What’s that?
Well, it’s something like this. See, people take their cash and place it in
your care. You charge them a small fee for handling it, and then, if they leave
it with you long enough, you invest it in actual loans—you know, like when
people want to buy a car or a house, or maybe start a small business?? Remember
those kinds of loans? And you also
provide people with a thing called a checking account and you can charge them
another small fee for that.
But that’s it Brian. You can’t do anything else. Oh, and one
more thing, Brian. We’re not going to let you operate in more than one state—so
pick your state carefully. Yeah, no more global banking shit. That’s for smart
people, not people like you Brian.
So, that’s all for now Brian. Oh, and one more thing. If you
ever stray off the reservation again, we’re going to put handcuffs around your wrists
and place you in a small jail cell for a really long time.
Ta ta Brian. Have a nice weekend.