Heaven & Hell

 

I finally figured it out. Why do so few people enter heaven, whereas almost everyone heads into Hell, after you know, that Death Thingie.  WHY?

Cuz you need a User ID and a Password to get into Heaven. See, for some long time, God was allowing all kinds of dudes into Heaven. And the folks residing up there began complaining –“Oh no, you allowed Harry in here? What kind of Fake place is this? Are there no standards for Heaven?” Then, finally,  one of the residing angels got God’s attention. “Um, Sir, do you really think Adolph there deserves to be here, as opposed to, well, you know, the other place?”

And God thought about Adolph and finally concluded, “Dear, I think you may be right. Perhaps I have been a bit too easy-going on my entry decisions. But, what to do, what to do?” And his angel guardian said, “well why don’t we require a password to get into Heaven? That way, we can block all the ne’er-do-wells, none of whom will have a password.” And God thought a bit and then said, “My dear, that is a brilliant suggestion. From now on, we will issue a user ID and a Password to all the good folks who croak, and refuse same for all the baddies, you know like Hitler and Miller and Trump. They can take the down elevator to our friend below. Great thinking. I will get to work on it immediately.”

And so a new system of transition entered the game of Death, Heaven and Hell. To enter Heaven, a new prospect had to produce a user ID and a Password for the Guardian Angels to review.  If they pass, then the doors will be opened for them. Otherwise, they are directed to the Down Elevators.

Now God was not too well versed in this hi-tech stuff, and so he turned to his BFF down below, You know, Mr. Satan. And he said, “Hey Bud, I need some tech help here. Are you willing?” And Satan said, “Sure what’cha need”?

“Well,” said God, “ I need a new system to allow the goodies, while denying the baddies (you know, your folks) entry to Heaven. We are thinking that everyone who departs and heads to the Pearly Gates will be asked to present a User ID and a Password to the Guardians. If they look legit, then and only then will the Guardians open the Pearly Gates and allow entry. Otherwise they are directed back downstairs to you. So, what do you think?  Oh, and I would love it were you to design the system by which User IDs and Passwords are issued. That is, what do folks seeking entry have to demonstrate in order to get an official entry pass?”

And then Satan, Laughed quietly, and said, “Oh I think I can help you there. I have some great ideas.”

And so the system by which folks gain entry to Heaven or Hell was born. When one croaks and then shows up at the Pearly Gates, the Guardian Angels produce a body of questions about your origins, what you did for a living, where you went to school, who you married and other personal life items.  Only if you pass that test, will you be issued a new User ID and Password.  And then you will be asked to sleep on it for a few hours, then return when you will be asked to produce your Used ID and Password. And no writing it down. You’re in Heaven remember, Pens and paper are not allowed in.  So, keep that memory sharp.

And so the new system began. And that system was greeted by a sharp fall-off in new entrants. And Satan was really happy. And he was in such a good mood, that he came up with a brilliant new Idea. Satan called up one of his Earthling BFFs in the Hi-Tech industry down below. He explained this concept of User IDs and Passwords to inhibit people from gaining access to Hi-tech systems. And the Dudes laughed hilariously and decried, “Woe, what a brilliant plan. We will have so much fun.”

And so the new system began taking roots on Earth. And everyone was happy. Well, the ultimate users were not so happy, but they don’t matter to anyone, do they?

Death?

 We watched Stephen Colbert interview Anthony Hopkins the other night.  Stephen referred to Hopkins as “Tony”. Tony??? Anthony Hopkins??? Wow. And nobody laughed.

Oh well. But the interview was fascinating, because Hopkins is fascinating.

During the interview, it was revealed that Hopkins is 87 years old. I’m 90, so “Tony” fits right in. And they spoke of aging and how one copes. Hopkins at one point said that he is not frightened by his age.  And I thought, “well I am not frightened either . . . sort of”.  But I do find myself fearful of what Death actually means.  I was reading about some woman the other day. The article said that she had “died” for 7 hours I think. And then recovered. And I thought, “Huh, well no she didn’t DIE. Her heart apparently stopped beating for 7 hours, but then I guess it began again. And she “recovered”.  But see, you aren’t DEAD when your heart stops beating. You are dead when your brain ceases to function permanently.  As I best understand it (and I am NOT a DOCTOR!) your heart feeds your brain blood and oxygen. I assume it is mainly the oxygen the brain needs to continue functioning.

But back to that frightening thing. I wonder what was going on with that woman. If her brain was not yet dead, did she continue “knowing” stuff?  And that is the thing that frightens me. I think now about my brain functioning. But suppose my brain finally STOPS. That is, my brain no longer functions. Now, I am officially DEAD, BUT, I do not know I am DEAD, because I do not know anything.  And then, I look out the window and I see the sky, or maybe a tree line. And I think, well, without my brain I would not see that sky, because I would not “SEE” anything. BUT, and here is the scary part. I would no longer know that I could not see that sky, because I would not “KNOW” anything, including that fact that I did not know anything.  Now that is scary.

See, Organized Religion has treated us all to the utter absence of true Death. If Death means you cannot see anything, AND you do not know that you cannot see anything because you do not know anything, then religion has broken down.  See, in Religion, when you die, you simply acquire a different vision. You are now looking down from above. See, you know you are dead, but you are looking down on all your relatives, and watching them do stupid things. That’s what religion promises. But because religion is a fraud, that isn’t actually what happens when you die.  When you die, you no longer exist, because your brain no longer exists. You’re dead, but you don’t know that.

And that is really scary . . . at least to me.

So, “Tony” does that part scare you, or are you truly immune to being scared?  Talk to me Tony. Tell me how you really feel. Ot tell Stephen and he can tell me.