The Pretend Party

Richard Burris just joined the cast of the “Oh dear me, look at what Obama is doing to our grandchildren” sitcom.  First came Mr./Governor Jyndal, with his fake Mardis Gras greeting, followed by his condemnation of those old Republicans, followed by his worn-out Republican tax cut non-solutions. Perhaps the star of the cast has been Judd Gregg, Mr. Sucker-Puncher. He’s worried also about his grandchildren and the debt we are bequeathing them.

None of these stars seemed concerned with the prior (RepubliCon) debt bequeathal machine, called George Bush II, or George Bush I, or his holiness Ronald the Reagan, all of whom contributed more to our national debt than all prior office holders in our history. Nor, do they ever mention the multi-trillion dollar deficit forced on the current Government by the stupid, criminal, and corrupt Bush Administration and his helpmates in the "Free-market" financial industry.

No, only now are they coming back to their religion of small government, fiscal discipline, “free markets” and God. How come the white collar guys who populate our prisons only come back to religion after they are caught having wrecked or corrupted the world?

We need to understand that Republican “values” are not real. They are pretend values. It’s like that children’s game, Let’s Pretend. Let’s pretend to be fiscally righteous. Let’s pretend to advocate small government. Let’s pretend we care about YOUR grandchildren—see they really do care about their grandchildren. That’s why they’re always digging into your pocket to line theirs and their friends. 

Their “free markets” aren’t “free”. They’re rigged by one side or another to benefit whoever does the rigging. Capitalism isn’t a “free market” system. It’s a system designed by one group to assure that its profit potential is protected.

They also pretend to care about morality, while routinely involving themselves in other people’s affairs—whether they are other governments, other lifestyles, or other religions. That’s immoral guys, as well as being simply disrespectful..

Once elected, they set about their tasks of reducing or eliminating anything that might remotely interfere with their buddies in big bidness, catering to their own special interests (as opposed to the Democrats’ special interests) and attempting to attack social network programs like Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.  Oh, and for reasons I still cannot fathom, they seem opposed to quality public schooling—maybe because it is aimed at producing intelligent populations, and they prefer voters who are stupid.

I see that, so far, the public at large continues to reject their “Let’s Pretend” arguments.  But we must assume that, like periodic locust infestations, Republicans will continue to attack at every turn. They need to be relabeled from either Conservative (which they’re not)  or even Republican (Mr. Lincoln would be turning over in his grave) to the Mad Hatter Party. We need to laugh at them more. Happily, they’re the new fodder for the Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert Pretend News Shows. How fitting.

And on another front, George Will needs to shut up about global warming. He doesn’t know anything, and shows no signs of interest in actual science.  So, George, go back to what you and Ann Coulter do best—trash-mouthing liberals. Stay out of science.

Book Banning

I just received a note regarding books that are banned in various places around the USA. It’s kind of a “Where’s where” version of Who’s Who, except that, instead of celebrating accomplishments, this one lists the places where stupid people hang out. The list is amazing partly because it is a list of books banned relatively recently—like the 1990s and even more current. And I always assumed that books might be banned in places like Alabama, Florida and Mississippi, but not in places like Maryland, Wisconsin, Michigan. All wrong. Howard County. Maryland banned The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe  in 1990 because it depicts "graphic violence, mysticism, and gore." A county in Virginia banned The Diary of Anne Frank, because it’s such a downer. Yeah, that holocaust stuff is kind of depressing, huh?

Where the Sidewalk Ends, one of  Shel Silverstein’s brilliant illustrated books, was challenged at the West Milwaukee, Wisconsin school libraries in 1986 because the book "suggests drug use, the occult, suicide, death, violence, disrespect for truth, disrespect for legitimate authority, and rebellion against parents."

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee was banned by an administrator in Wisconsin because it is “slanted”—he said, “if there’s a possibility that something might be controversial, then why not eliminate it?’

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was removed from a locked reference collection at the Boulder, Colorado Public Library in 1988,  where it had been placed because the librarian thought the book espoused a poor philosophy of life. Apparently chocolate (which we all know is one of the five major food groups) was thought by that person to be bad for you. Goes way beyond stupid, that.

One of my favorites was the Canton, Michigan school system's banning Of Suzuki’s Zen Buddhism, in 1987, because "this book details the teachings of the religion of Buddhism in such a way that the reader could very likely embrace its teachings and choose this as his religion." Think of that. Someone writes convincingly on some topic and we need to ban his book. Yeah, let’s show our kids only the stupid books. I should add that he certainly convinced me, so maybe that’s reason enough to ban him.

It’s dispiriting to realize that such stupid people both exist and aren’t themselves banned from places like public libraries as an inherent danger to the principles on which this Nation was founded. They belong in places like Tehran, where the Mullahs not only ban books, but issue death fatwahs against the authors. Maybe we should use part of the Stimulus Package money to issue one-way tickets to the nation’s army of book banners. Send them off to Afghanistan, or Iraq, or Iran, where they can live in caves, join the Afghani Facebook and become “friends’ with Mullah Omar and Osama.  I’m sure they’d all love the place. 

The Car Guys

So, the car guys are back again. They want a few more bucks, just to tide them over till the good times get rolling again.

I have a suggestion.

First, they should all declare bankruptcy—all three—but Chapter 11, not 7.

Second, under Chapter 11, they should “reorganize” the three into one car company. Call it, Americorps, or maybe, The Great American Car Company, Inc.

They should announce planned production of the following line of cars:

1.       A four-seater sedan, hybrid, capable of getting 75 miles per gallon.  Call it, say “scooter.” Zero to 60 in 12 seconds

2.       A mid-size conventional that gets 40 miles per gallon. The car would seat five in a pinch. It would come as a sedan, or a mini-SUV with an extra back seat enabling two more (little) passengers. It would be called the “pit bull”. Zero to sixty in 9 seconds.

3.       A full size vehicle seating five normal human beings. This one would get 30 miles per gallon. It would also come in an SUV style for people in love with trucks.  It would be called  the Maestro. Zero to 60 in 8 seconds.

4.       All vehicles produced by Americorps would employ all wheel drive as standard.

5.       A final vehicle would be produced as an off-road vehicle, meaning it could not be licensed for on-road travel—an Abrams M60 battle tank, sans guns. This one would get three gallons per mile, and would be intended for the Hummer market—the stupid people with more money than brains who buy Hummers, “just because they can.”

The CEO would be Don Rumsfeld—he after all ran both Defense and OEO in his lifetime career, so he knows something of both poverty programs, and harsh interrogation, so he would be perfect to run a large auto company—think of the possibilities if things weren’t going exactly to plan.  Board meetings and senior executive meetings would be videotaped and run on the Comedy Hour as a weekly show.

Is this a great country, or what?

Live Like People

I’m wondering. What will life be like in, say, the 25^th century? Or, I don’t know, maybe even the 30^th century. I remember watching Star Trek, way back in the olden days of the 20^th century, and hearing Captain Picard (remember old Jean Luc?) tell someone about how they had evolved to the point where nobody was paid money any longer. There was no scrambling to obtain greater wealth than your neighbor. I know, I know, sounds suspiciously like . . . SOCIALISM. Whoooaa. Nasty word that, huh?  But that was only a little point and not much made of it. The larger message I came away with, was, they didn’t seem to have any stupid people, like we do here and now. I mean we (peoples of the Planet Earth) have almost been taken over by stupid people. The election of Barack Obama could, I guess be a move away from the Revenge of the Stupid People, or it might be just an aberration. Let's hope he represents a trend.

A family member recently informed me that the good peoples of North Dakota have recently declared that fertilized eggs have full human rights. But when I asked whether the good peoples of North Dakota also accorded Gays and Lesbians the same rights as fertilized eggs, he said, rather sadly, “no, I think not.”

And then there’s the reaction to the Stimulus. Several (Southern) Governors have declared that the Stimulus Bill is just too evil, and so they MAY not participate (as in, may not take any federal money). I was thinking when I read that, “yeah, and I’ll bet Hell has begun freezing over, and pigs are flying over the Texas capital right now.”

And then I read about this guy, Mr. Stanford, who created and ran an $8 billion investment scam, apparently with the full help and cooperation of his accountants, the same crew no doubt that helped Mr. Madoff. And all the stupid people who were supposed to be watching over this kind of thing couldn’t quite figure it all out.

So, I’m thinking, you know, maybe by the 30^th century, we will have weeded out all these stupid people, Darwinism-wise. And wouldn’t it be fun to be alive then? To see people just living out there lives, without trying 24-7 to live well by harming other people? I mean, wouldn’t that just be nifty? By then we really would have figured out that professional wrestling and organized religion are both fakes, and stopped paying attention to either one.  We wouldn’t be killing people in the name of religion, or patriotism, or just simple greed. We wouldn’t be beheading people just because we didn’t like what they said, or thought, or burning people who have a different skin color.

We might be just enjoying the blessed thing we call life.  The giggle of a baby, the smell of a rose on its branch, the sight of the sun rising early in the morning, or in its courtly dance with the night, painting the sky red and orange, so as to take your breath away.

And, maybe by then we wouldn’t go to bed at night worried sick that some financial wizard somewhere was plotting to eliminate all your money and your ability to survive, just because he could. Because, we would have weeded out all those sickos, and we could just live like people.

I look forward to that happening—Living Like People . . . everybody, now, say it . . . let’s all live like people . . . everyone.

Beam me up Scotty . . .

Dumb & Dumber: Bank of New York Mellon

Apropos of nothing at all, I thought you might be amused about a recent correspondence from BNY Mellon Shareowner Services. They wrote to request that we verify our "new" address at 67 Edgewood, et al. Their prior address for us, apparently didn't work any more (5631 Knollwood et al, in Bethesda). Think of that, it's only been 9 years since we left that address. That pesky post office really needs to continue forwarding for at least ten years, don't you think?

But to continue, they asked me to update their records, otherwise we might be listed as a "lost shareholder." Wouldn't want that now, would we? So, I tried logging on to their web site, but of course, I didn't have a pin number to sign on and, after three tries to establish one, I gave up and decided to call them.

So, I called. I finally got to speak with someone and after a fairly brief conversation, she told me that I needed to call a different number, since I was dealing with Alcatel-Lucent (I knew that all along).

So, I called the second number and after explaining that I was calling about a change of address, one that had occurred 9 years ago, I was just wondering . . . what this was all about. I mean, how much potentially lost stock were we talking about?

Well, guess what? We are talking about a zero balance account.

"Excuse me? You wrote to me, using up a $0.42 stamp, asked me to log onto your web site, and then requiring me to call you twice to verify an address change on a ten year old residence change, all for no money, as in zero balance?? Why would you do such a thing?

"Well, I'm sorry sir, but even after accounts are closed, we try to keep track of addressees"

"Uh, why?"

"I don't know sir. Can I help you with anything else sir?"

"Uh, no, I guess not."

And people (generally Republican people) wonder why the Government is so inefficient.

Gee, think our government could possibly be any dumber than BNY Mellon?

 And now, the postscript:

We just received in the mail from the Bank of New York, Mellon, a check for $0.05. Yes, you read that correctly. The Bank of NY Mellon sent us a check for FIVE CENTS.

And how much is the Bank of New York Mellon slated to receive from the federal Bailout Fund?  Couldn’t let guys like this go bankrupt, now could we?

Oh, oh, I know, maybe this is our share of the Republican tax cuts.

 

Brighter Days Ahead

The dark days of February, when winter rules the land and Republicans dream of those sunnier days, when they sat atop the world’s gold supply (i.e., the Nation's mint). Everyone seems in a funk; heavens, even that right winger Lindsay Graham is suggesting that we need to nationalize our banks—“we’ve thrown more money at Bank of America ($45 billion) than it’s worth ($23 billion). That’s not nationalization; that’s stupid.”

Yes, Lindsay, I suppose that, in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as Stupid does.” The problem is that the Lindsay’s of the Nation are just caught in a perpetual hissy fit, regardless of what anyone (but them) does. He whines that we are wasting money on the stimulus, and that we’re making government too big; then he wants to go about nationalizing things. What’s next cars?

I have it. Why not organize a giant global Ponzi scheme? See, we get people like the Indians, the Chinese (you know the folks who actually have money) to “invest” in our economy, on promises that we will pay them large returns on their investment; then we pay them with the money we get from other investors, like . . . oh, like . . . oh, yeah, nobody else has any money do they? How about Bernie (as in Madoff)? He must have 30 or 40 billion tucked in a mattress somewhere.

But, these dark days of February will surely pass. And then Spring, and Hope, and Change will surely emerge, as Republicans, like the groundhog, return to their caves.

And elsewhere, Helen and Margaret (http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/2009/02/10/if-ann-coulter-falls-in-the-forest-and-nobody-hears-her-can-we-just-leave-her-there/) are actually reading Ann Coulter’s latest book.

Helen, an obvious practitioner of Zen, asks:

“If Ann Coulter falls in the forest and nobody hears her… can we just leave her there?”

Or, even more profound:

“Margaret, I ask you,  if a book falls in the forest and doesn’t make any sense, is it really a book?  And if it’s not really a book then the monkey who wrote it really isn’t an author… right?  I guess what I am trying to say is this -  if Ann Coulter makes up a lot of crap and puts it on a piece of paper how is that any different than what I do with a  roll of Charmin after my morning bran muffin?”

Sucker-Punching

Maybe Republicans grew tired of being outclassed by Obama. So, they decided to make him look foolish. Judd Gregg basically sucker-punched the President. He may protest, “No, I just changed my mind.” Yeah, right. And maybe he was confused, thinking that perhaps Obama was really John McCain in black-face.

For Gregg to approach Obama with an offer to join the team, allow that concept to percolate for a couple of weeks in the press, with all that feel-good stuff about a bipartisan team, and then abruptly withdraw, refusing to sign onto the stimulus package, is just too calculated.

So, maybe it really is time to stop making nice to republicans. They seem too much like Hamas—you know that bunch in the Middle East that keeps lobbing rockets at Israel every time Israel tries to make nice? Yeah, that’s the Republicans. Make nice to them, turn around to smile, and they’ll sucker-punch you every time. Nice guys that bunch.