Heaven & Hell

 

I finally figured it out. Why do so few people enter heaven, whereas almost everyone heads into Hell, after you know, that Death Thingie.  WHY?

Cuz you need a User ID and a Password to get into Heaven. See, for some long time, God was allowing all kinds of dudes into Heaven. And the folks residing up there began complaining –“Oh no, you allowed Harry in here? What kind of Fake place is this? Are there no standards for Heaven?” Then, finally,  one of the residing angels got God’s attention. “Um, Sir, do you really think Adolph there deserves to be here, as opposed to, well, you know, the other place?”

And God thought about Adolph and finally concluded, “Dear, I think you may be right. Perhaps I have been a bit too easy-going on my entry decisions. But, what to do, what to do?” And his angel guardian said, “well why don’t we require a password to get into Heaven? That way, we can block all the ne’er-do-wells, none of whom will have a password.” And God thought a bit and then said, “My dear, that is a brilliant suggestion. From now on, we will issue a user ID and a Password to all the good folks who croak, and refuse same for all the baddies, you know like Hitler and Miller and Trump. They can take the down elevator to our friend below. Great thinking. I will get to work on it immediately.”

And so a new system of transition entered the game of Death, Heaven and Hell. To enter Heaven, a new prospect had to produce a user ID and a Password for the Guardian Angels to review.  If they pass, then the doors will be opened for them. Otherwise, they are directed to the Down Elevators.

Now God was not too well versed in this hi-tech stuff, and so he turned to his BFF down below, You know, Mr. Satan. And he said, “Hey Bud, I need some tech help here. Are you willing?” And Satan said, “Sure what’cha need”?

“Well,” said God, “ I need a new system to allow the goodies, while denying the baddies (you know, your folks) entry to Heaven. We are thinking that everyone who departs and heads to the Pearly Gates will be asked to present a User ID and a Password to the Guardians. If they look legit, then and only then will the Guardians open the Pearly Gates and allow entry. Otherwise they are directed back downstairs to you. So, what do you think?  Oh, and I would love it were you to design the system by which User IDs and Passwords are issued. That is, what do folks seeking entry have to demonstrate in order to get an official entry pass?”

And then Satan, Laughed quietly, and said, “Oh I think I can help you there. I have some great ideas.”

And so the system by which folks gain entry to Heaven or Hell was born. When one croaks and then shows up at the Pearly Gates, the Guardian Angels produce a body of questions about your origins, what you did for a living, where you went to school, who you married and other personal life items.  Only if you pass that test, will you be issued a new User ID and Password.  And then you will be asked to sleep on it for a few hours, then return when you will be asked to produce your Used ID and Password. And no writing it down. You’re in Heaven remember, Pens and paper are not allowed in.  So, keep that memory sharp.

And so the new system began. And that system was greeted by a sharp fall-off in new entrants. And Satan was really happy. And he was in such a good mood, that he came up with a brilliant new Idea. Satan called up one of his Earthling BFFs in the Hi-Tech industry down below. He explained this concept of User IDs and Passwords to inhibit people from gaining access to Hi-tech systems. And the Dudes laughed hilariously and decried, “Woe, what a brilliant plan. We will have so much fun.”

And so the new system began taking roots on Earth. And everyone was happy. Well, the ultimate users were not so happy, but they don’t matter to anyone, do they?