FIRST BARBIE
Adapted by Claudia Haas
From The Artful Notes Blog of Richard Schmidt

CHARACTERS:

MAC: Middle-aged, well-heeled Republican “handler”
JACK: Middle-aged Republican “handler”
SUSIE: Secretary; really cute and energetic – OR – could be a recorded voice via the phone.

SYNOPSIS: be careful what you wish for, especially when picking a vice presidential nominee

FIRST BARBIE

AT RISE two men (MAC and JACK) are going over pictures and resumes trying to pick a Vice Presidential running mate for their elderly presidential nominee. All are Republican. They are seated at a table – imbibing something alcoholic.

MAC
The middle-aged white guys are out?

JACK
Diversity. That’s the ticket. We have no diversity.

(MAC dumps some pictures and resumes.)

MAC
There goes all the experienced ones.

JACK
Don’t know how to clinch the minority vote.

MAC
Which minority?

JACK
How many are there?

MAC
You’re thinking’s off. Don’t go for the minority – go for the majority.

JACK
Well, yeah. Want the majority come November. Don’t want Florida rearing its ugly head. Going to look suspicious if that happened again.

MAC
A woman.

JACK
Yeah – a woman was helpful in Florida.

MAC
And a woman could be helpful again. A woman vice presidential nominee. Women are over half the population in this country.

JACK
Never gave that much thought. But you know – our guy – he doesn’t like the frumpy ones and that’s mainly what you see in politics. Older. Plain. Hard-nosed.

MAC
She’s gotta be a hottie--not one who let herself go. No one who wears stretch pants.

JACK
Or mu-mus.

(They shudder. And dump some more pictures and resumes in the basket.)

MAC
Okay. Bye-bye middle-aged women. They’re out of the running. This is good. We’re narrowing the field. And what else?

JACK
She’s gotta be anti-abortion and anti gay marriage.

MAC
Goes without saying. They’re out there. Not a lot of them but that’s “do-able.” Let me check. Well… that’s it for them. Still a lot left.

(More pictures and resumes are thrown.)

JACK
While you’re at it – eliminate the tree-huggers. We need to drill for oil and we don’t want to find out one of these fine ladies once wrote a check to the Sierra Club or anything.

MAC
Only one who is pro-environment. She’s gone.
(Another picture and resume is thrown.)
Hey, have a few smart ones here – Ivy League, Magna Cum Laude ….

JACK
Irrelevant. In fact detrimental.

MAC
Here’s an economist – you know we could use some help in that area. Our guy’s not too knowledgeable about the economy.

JACK
We don’t want to make that an issue. Our man’s been told – turn the subject away from the economy.

MAC
How about foreign policy? Got a few who have experience in that area.

JACK
Are they “hot?”

MAC
How “hot?”

JACK
Sizzling.

MAC
Maybe with the right hair-do …

JACK
She won’t do. She knows more than he does. He gets uppity when that happens.
(Another picture and resume is on the floor.)
You know what would really knock everyone’s socks off? A woman who’s pro guns! A genuine, Flag waving member of the NRA.

JACK
That would be hard to find.

MAC
Think! We’d not only get the women who are only voting for women – but we’d get the men who would vote for a gun-toting hottie.

JACK
You know, a gun-toting “hottie” would bring in the male fantasy vote ….

AC
And there’s a lot of men with fantasies out there. What I wouldn’t give for a politician who once was a beauty queen.

JACK
That would bring out the voters.

MAC
She’d be front page news every time she changed her dress. She’d be on all the women’s magazine covers.

JACK
You‘re dreaming.

MAC
I know. How many do we have left?

JACK
Three. This one’s kind of cute. But not married.

MAC
Don’t go there. We don’t want his old cavorting days and his divorce to be headlines.

JACK
That’s it. No one left. No one suitable anyway.

MAC
We’re not looking for suitable. Any anti-gay, anti-abortion, pro-gun, former Beauty Queen, married woman can apply.

JACK
It’s the impossible dream, Mac.

MAC
Tell me about it, Jack.

(SUSIE enters or calls)

SUSIE
Mac? Jack? There’s someone on the phone who wants to speak with the two of you. She’s from Alaska. Will you take it?

MAC
Alaska?

JACK
That’s a state, right?

MAC
Alaska?

(MAC and JACK burst into laughter and down their drinks.)

SUSIE
Anyone taking the call? Hello? Hello?

(MAC and JACK are shaking their heads, laughing and pouring another drink as the lights fade to black.)

END OF PLAY