The Sky And You

 I look up at the sky this morning, and ask, “Are you there, My Love”? Sitting up on some cloud looking down at me and the rest of us trying to stumble our way through our various lives.  Well, No, I know you are not up there. No one is up there, not you, not Nana, not Daisy. Nope.  It’s just clouds and sky up there. And I know, whenever I look up and ask if you’re there, that I am speaking to my brain, ya know, your part of my brain.  You see, I also know that you won’t actually go away until I go away, cuz you are part of my brain. I wonder if that works if you have only been married a year or so.  Surely, after 50 years, our two brains became one.

I sort of wish that the fairy tales about God and Heaven were true. That is so much nicer a concept than that we simply disappear.  It is really too bad that folks just invented that entire concept. I know, I know, they invented it so they could control you. That part I get. But they also had a sweet imagination. The only thing is I never really understood the Heaven thing. I mean, we all go up there (well the good guys) but then what do we do? Just hang out?  I mean do the dudes play pool, or re-enact football? And what do babies do, ya know when a baby age 8 months croaks, what do they do up there?  I mean, they have no friends and can’t really talk.

But, back to you my Love. As you doubtless know, I still think you are next to me when I am watching TV, or driving, or even sleeping.  But that is my brain I know. Now, to be fair, I have never turned to one side and seen your visage. Nope, I do turn, but no one is there.  As it should be.  My brain is looking for you, while knowing you are not there.  Still, I do wish you were.  You should know that you continue to guide me. If ever there is a question, “Should I do this?” I think about what you would say. And you always push me to do the right thing, as you did when you were actually here, So, Brain-Carol, keep on truck’n. I continue to need you and need your guidance. You remain a wonder, as you always were. And I keep on asking myself, :How did I ever get so fortunate to have you as my loving wife?” You were a wonder then. You remain a wonder.

Is It Over

 OK, we held a grand Celebration of Life for Carol.  Many people, relatives and friends alike, spoke warmly of her many facets, including her beauty, but also her many accomplishments. And we buried her ashes near our pond in the back garden, a place she loved and helped to create.

And now we move on. But what does that mean . . . to “move on”?

Well, it means that my life is now different. It is not similar to that life I held while my Love was always near my side, advising me.  And, oddly, it is not the same as it was before my Love came into my life.  No, now I am physically alone in my home, but I remain psychically one of two people. I will be sitting watching TV, and I see something that bears comment, so I turn to my right to comment to my love, but, gasp, no one is there.  Or I will be sort of sleeping (I always now “sort of” sleep) and I will feel her next to me. But alas, I am actually feeling our cat next to me. He misses her as much as I do.  

But now I must begin a new life, new that is until I croak. Yeah, yeah. I am 91 and no one in my family made it beyond 85, so I am beyond my sell-by-date, or maybe long in the tooth.  But I have this little issue, that, for at least the next two years I have to put up with Trump, unless someone does us all a favor and pushes him off some cliff in, say, Denmark (they have cliffs in Denmark, right?). See, my first memory of a president is me at age 6, sitting in our front room listening all by myself to the radio, with that FDR dude being on the air telling us about December 7, 1941, ya know, Pearl Harbor. Yeah, so I first became aware of presidents with FDR.

And I have voted for quite a few – Carter, Kennedy, Johnson, Truman, Ike, and the list goes on. And Yes, I voted against Trump. Who wouldn’t?  But here he is, just cuz we have apparently so many idiots living and voting in America that we actually elected him twice.  Jesus people, once wasn’t enough?

And so, now, at the ripe old age of 91, just having lost my loved one of some 71 years, I am forced to watch this idiot-Malenfant rule America like he thinks it’s his kingdom.  America, For Christ Sake, will you ever actually awaken from this nightmare?  Well, maybe I will croak, like my beloved and cease thinking. I don’t know whether to hope for that, or not. I mean, I really want to be rid of this dimwitted idiot. But do I really have to die to be rid of him?  Well, maybe, depends on how far down that path to destruction America is now. Will America still be alive just before I croak? Or will our Nation be gone, destroyed into oblivion before that? How sad, in either case.